Critique my writing (660 words), will ya?

[lenno]

Dec 21, 2012: A Future Memoir

Oh, the places we could’ve gone, you and me. I would’ve given you the world-
It would seem it is no longer mine to give. I’ve loved every moment we’ve spent together, during our all too short lives. From those first moments of tenderness in your college dorm, those were most beautiful, like your eyes. Even now in doom and tears they still shine like blue heaven. They are my home. With you I am made whole. So lie still awhile, my princess, rest your head; for there is no way out now.

Tomorrow is not certain, nor likely, for us. Neither is our next breath, but if it comes we will enjoy it and be thankful as one, because we are one, you and me. We’re one in the same. Cut from the same cloth, that’s it. Cut from the sane one, too. Remember that night we set up camp in Adam’s backyard? I know you do. We blamed it on the cold, but I was never the same. And Colorado, what I remember of the hazy party that was our Christmas vacation, was spiritual in a way that no one else could ever comprehend. I love you with all my heart, and now, standing here on the brink of everything, I give you my world. I give you my life that you would give me yours in return; and we can live right here and now in this moment, because it is ours to live in.

How silly, to think that the priceless baubles and extra closet space that everyone has been working for their whole lives are now sh*t. I sincerely pity those who haven’t found a true love as we have, blue eyes, for it seems that in the end of time that is all that really matters. Let’s just lay here awhile longer, it’s nice here. To be in your arms is sweetness beyond measure. Let’s face the dawn together, love, and let our souls create for us a new path that we might travel away from this place. Here, I brought cigarettes. I don’t smoke, but we do. Let me light it for you; the magma is hot. Everything is hot. Everything is so damn hot.

It’s getting harder to see you now, my darling; it fills my soul with sorrow. The smoke is strong in my lungs, yet with each thump of your heart these minor inconveniences become less important. The stinging in my eyes lets me know I am still alive; and I know that this is the only place I want to be right now. My heart drops. Your arms are blistering, baby. I need to make it better - I can’t. My body is broken. I am crying now. These tears are not smoky tears, they are tears of misery. What man cannot fix the thing that ails the love of his life? No man!

Your lips move; the dry, cracked plateaus of skin I would give anything to kiss even now, just once. I can’t make out what they say in the darkening gloom, but I have no need to. I know what you want to say. My brain is not gone; you are not lost to me, my precious baby. You will never be lost to me.

We were well met, you and I. I count my blessings. If ever there were a time to say goodbye, this would be it. But I am not going to, for this is not goodbye, love. Not even close. And when I see you again I will give you my new world, and we can live in it forever, you and me. Forever. And now, looking into your eyes, as the sky turns black and the seas overtake the mountains, I die a happy man. I die at home, at peace, at rest. I die with you.

[anghrist]

I wish I could see the girl you wrote this about.

You instill a surreal beauty and content misery that sharply contrasts one another. First love is maddening and overwhelming. It is my thought that this relationship did not work out, and the emotion from such is portrayed as the end of the world: maddening heat, forever darkening skies, and longing to hold another are only a few key aspects that tell me such.

i like the cigarette thing, the dry cracked plateaus of skin on the lips, the seas overtaking the mountains, and her beautiful eyes that shine like blue heaven. Your imagery is pretty good. keep at it stud.

[aodh]

my god! 600-odd words. why do you think that average readers will have the time and patience?

[trucker]

You and I... you got it right once but several other times you floundered and said "you and me"
"What man cannot fix the thing...?" Should it be can or cannot?
"I don't smoke, but we do." Good wordplay
Semicolons! Nice. We don't see them much anymore

Beautiful despite some ill-placed commas and other minor details

[allin]

I am in agreement with Itchy which means that you have at least two who have read this write. I found it somewhat a tiny bit repetitious and tedious though I have to give you credit for submitting it. It has deep feeling for a loved one and you have given it your best to express your feelings. I doubt if the youth will have the patience to read it, but those over the age of twenty five who have had some experience in what you write about will no doubt give you high praise.